polyonymous

\pah-lee-AH-nuh-mus\

adjective

: having or known by various names

I was recently having a discussion with someone about the POLYONYMOUS nature of human genitals. We specifically expressed disappointment in the lack of synonyms for vagina that don't sound either degrading, offensive, dirty, pornographic, tactless or gratuitously cheesy. Of course this could stem from the inherent cultural stigma around female genitals as being rather taboo, causing listeners to cringe at the sound of any pseudonym. But it generally bums me out that "dick" sounds totally fine, while its female equivalent "pussy" makes me want to hose myself down in holy water.

Aside from the general terms—pussy, cunt, twat, snatch—there seem to be different categories for vagina synonyms, some of which I will attempt to classify here (and I'm going to limit it to the most representative examples, because the list really just goes on forever):

1) Vagina as Receptacle:

cum dumpster

2) Vagina as Home to Penis:

cock pocket

3) Vagina as Member of the Animal Kingdom:

beaver

4) Vagina as a Food Metaphor:

meat curtains

5) Vagina as a Gash:

hatchet wound

6) Vagina as Exalted:

glory hole

7) Vagina as a Shape it is Not:

box

8) Vagina as Some Made up Word:

poontang

9) Vagina as Epic:

the great divide

10) Vagina as What My Father Called It:

cherry

I don't believe I've used any on this list, rather, not ironically. I tend to say either "vag" or "stuff" or "jazz" or "junk." Sometimes even "shit." My first boyfriend Josh and I used to refer to it as "the girl area."

Dr. Eduard Friedrich, gynecologist who discovered Vulvar Vestibulitis Syndrome, refers to it as "the collision zone" (after which I aptly titled my essay on the subject).

But, as of last night, my new favorite is "babe cave."