transmogrify

\transs-MAH-gruh-fye\

verb

: to change or alter greatly and often with grotesque or humorous effect

i have a problem with duality. over the years, i have realized that somewhere in the distant past, i split myself in two. in their greatest extremes, there is one candace who is inadequate, shameful, not good enough, and another candace who judges the first, harshly, cracking the whip. on a good day, i am a fair balance of the two. on a bad day, it is a struggle.

maybe everyone struggles with this. i know that i tend to the harsher side of self-judgment. you really shouldn't have spent that $2 on coffee this morning. you have no will power. sometimes i dwell on these transgressions for hours, days, weeks, depending on their severity.

the first candace can be any number of hideous TRANSMOGRIFICATIONS. the most frequent forms are as follows:

- the me who does not display the utmost will power in the face of temptation

- the me who is not as productive as i could have been given circumstances

- the me who does not try my absolute hardest to achieve

in my mind, these are all gross distortions of my true, pure self. i know this is not the case. i know i am human, flawed. i know i shouldn't be so hard on myself. i know that every side of me is still me. i know that the best medicine is to own both of these sides, and accept that i am one whole person, perfectly imperfect.

but i don't want to lose the drive, become complacent. i need to find the balance, to push myself without the harsh judgment. i need to move forward for the sake of moving forward, not for fear of the repercussions of stopping.

i need to be able to spend $2 on coffee without feeling guilty about it.