enthrall

\in-THRAWL\

verb

1 : to hold in or reduce to slavery

2 : to hold spellbound : charm

i find myself frequently using this word in my writing, but always in the past tense, ENTHRALLED, as in having been spellbound, opposed to doing the act of the spellbinding. i don't know if i am capable of ENTHRALLING another; if so, it has never been revealed to me.

the frequency of the past-tense usage is sort of reflexive of the word itself. i suppose if i am mesmerized i cannot actively realize such a thing is occurring. i can't imagine, at any point, myself saying:

this image is ENTHRALLING me AS WE SPEAK.

this would never happen. the act of being ENTHRALLED seems to inherently prevent such an immediate realization.

the last time i was ENTHRALLED was the last time i was at the oregon coast. it was fall, chilly but sunny, muddy and crisp all at once. brody and i walked through a thick area of pine trees and vines to finally reach a cliff. we stood there for a long time looking out onto the ocean. we were both always totally mesmerized by the coast and the water. we still are, i suppose, just separately now.

i remember getting scared, feeling not only on the precipice of land, but also of thought, as if about to plunge off the edge of consciousness into something unknown.

i have to go. i'm getting overwhelmed.

(he laughed) that's good. that's how you should feel.

still i was scared, like i am sometimes walking over the burnside bridge. and i realize how close i am to the edge of everything, all the time.