laconic

\luh-KAH-nik\

adjective

: using or involving the use of a minimum of words : concise to the point of seeming rude or mysterious

I'd like to talk about how a minimal use of words is considered rude or mysterious. Something another young girl said to me as child sticks with me. (Forgive my redundancy: I know I've used this anecdote many times) Second grade, perusing the school field with a pack of girls a few steps ahead of my social development, I hang back, quiet, observing, taking it all in. It doesn't take long for my lack of responsiveness to call attention to itself.

"What's the matter, Candace? Cat got your tongue?" says the designated leader. The other girls laugh, crossing their arms and shifting their body weight from leg to leg. I had nothing to respond, not that they even cared. They moved on and I stood where I was.

Now, at the ripe age of seven, I was not being intentionally LACONIC by any means. In groups of strangers I tend to freeze up, shy away, fear judgment; the appropriate words are often trapped or lost or constipated. I don't think people consider me rude or mysterious—mostly just socially inept. Those girls didn't think I was being mysterious, they thought I was being pathetic, and they rightfully called me out, as seven-year-old girls will.

When I imagine LACONIC, I imagine a deliberate pinching of words, mostly for effect—whether that is rudeness, or mystery, or intrigue. In a culture which often begs for verbal diarrhea, brevity of language certainly does stand out. I confess to being attracted to people who are terse with their words, mostly because I assume there's a river of wisdom running underneath the uncomplicated surface. I am often wrong. Many LACONIC people have nothing more to say than what they initially offer, and I have found this out the hard way, more than once.

However, I still believe in leaving a little to the colloquial imagination. Perhaps there's a happy medium between LACONIC and, say, verbose. I suppose that might be...vernacular.

Note: I discovered the above image while doing a search for the phrase "terse with words." The internet amazes me, every day.

paranymph

\PAIR-uh-nimf\

noun

1 : a friend going with a bridegroom to fetch home the bride in ancient Greece; also : the bridesmaid conducting the bride to the bridegroom

2 : a : best man; b : bridesmaid

Modern American PARANYMPHAL traditions/responsibilities:

- Attend/plan: engagement party, bridal shower, bachelorette party, rehearsal dinner, WEDDING, farewell brunch. Attendance also often expected at: dress shopping, cake tasting, facility rental, tradition research, stuffing of envelopes, and making of party favors.

- Offer emotional support to bride AT ALL COSTS

- Execute "last minute rescues," i.e.: straightening out a bunched veil or a drunk ex-girlfriend

- DO NOT upstage the bride by looking better/sexier/happier

According to suite101.com, there are also several activities a modern PARANYMPH can undertake to go above and beyond her call of duty:

- Create a PowerPoint presentation for the wedding speeches or bridal shower.

- Take photos of the whole process, from wedding dress shopping to cake tasting.

- Create a scrapbook of the wedding planning and celebrations. Include photos, momentos, receipts, ribbons, wedding favors, and so on.

- Send champagne, strawberries, and flowers to the bridal suite for the wedding night.

- Write a poem, paint a portrait, or make something special that celebrates the bride and groom. Use your unique talents and skills to create something special for the wedding couple.

I'm not sure what the equivalent of PowerPoint was in Ancient Greece—a scroll and a pointer?

Seriously, though—PowerPoint wedding presentations? We live in a sad, sad world sometimes.

sisyphean

\sis-uh-FEE-un\

adjective

: of, relating to, or suggestive of the labors of Sisyphus;specifically : requiring continual and often ineffective effort

When I first learned of Sisyphus, I must have been about fourteen; ninth grade was the year the school curriculum introduced myth into our young lives. I remember reading The Odyssey, or at the least, its Cliff Notes. I didn't read much of anything at fourteen. Perhaps Dean Koontz.

It was with Greek mythology that I first considered the concept of eternity. I grew up without any sort of religious beliefs or concept of eternal life. Heaven and hell were vague concepts at best—like southern California and boarding school, respectively. But when I read stories of Sisyphus forever pushing a boulder up a mountain only to watch it roll back down, or Prometheus having his liver forever pecked out by an eagle, these images resonated far more with me as an adolescent than previous images of a nondescript fire-y pit of foreverness. I suppose it's in the details.

The thing that has always bugged me about eternity is consciousness. I'm assuming the reason eternity feels so daunting to us (as a race) is because the small part of our brains used for consciousness is unequipped to fathom anything that doesn't have an end. We understand life as a closed circle, not a infinite line. The thought of pushing a boulder up a mountain every day forever is literally unimaginable. I wonder how this activity would feel if the pusher was under the impression there was an end—sort of like factory work. Executing the same task every day, knowing it will always be the same, and eventually there will be retirement or death. If this wasn't the case, the SISYPHEAN subject would probably do one of two things:

a) lose his mind

b) gain access to the part of his mind from which the idea of eternity is fathomable

I truly wonder what it would feel like to be able to grasp this idea. Forever. I just don't get it.

bona fides

\boh-nuh-FYE-deez\

noun

1 : good faith : sincerity

2 : evidence of one's good faith or genuineness

3 : evidence of one's qualifications or achievements

I have to admit, I had no idea of the correct pronunciation of this word. FYE-deez. I'm sure I've heard it dozens of times, and either I never picked up on this or EVERYONE is mispronouncing the word. Latin!, people. Take it in.

Merriam points out that while this word is a singular noun, over time it has been more frequently used in the plural, i.e.: My BONA FIDES have yet to be determined. This is a poor, effortless example, but I am accentuating the plural use of have over the singular use of has. Simple. To the point. But this is also somewhat contradictory, because I do in fact believe my BONA FIDES have been determined. So, while I have BONA FIDES, this paragraph does not.

BONA FIDES reminds me fondly of the designation "good people." I don't hear this much anymore; there was a period a few years ago when this phrase was thrown around a bit. If someone was trustworthy, genuine, and cool, he/she would be referred to as "good people" (interestingly, this is another example of the blurry line between singular and plural). But the only people who could declare such a designation would themselves also have to be "good people," otherwise they could not be trusted with such responsibility of judgment. This then suggests there has to have been an original "good person." Who could this be? Abe Lincoln? Martin Luther King Junior? Conan O'Brien? Oh, what a paradox!

clitic

\KLIT-ik\

noun

: a word that is treated in pronunciation as forming a part of a neighboring word and that is often unaccented or contracted

Um...okay. I'm gonna go ahead and remind you that this word is CLITIC and we all have dirty minds. That said, this definition seems to be in hieroglyphics, so I will paraphrase:

CLITIC : essentially, the tacked-on letter(s) in a contraction/abbreviation. There are two types of CLITICS: ENCLITICS and PROCLITICS. ENCLITIC refers to a contracted suffix, while PROCLITIC refers to a contracted prefix. For example, in "who'da" the ENCLITIC is the "'da" while in "y'all" the PROCLITIC is the "y'." Mouth. Full.

All that aside, this is a dirty, dirty word. I just keep thinking "a clit critic." Can you imagine? It would be like that "rate your professor" website. Oh my.

vulpine

\VUL-pine\

adjective

1 : of, relating to, or resembling a fox

2 : foxy, crafty

So, I've done some searching for the reasons behind considering a fox as crafty or cunning. This is what I have collected:

1) Foxes often hunt with a small family as opposed to a large pack (in fox-speak a "skulk"),

2) They are particularly wary of humans who often hunt the animals, shortening their life expectancy from ten to two or three years,

3) A female fox is called a "vixen" (in human speak "an ill-tempered or quarrelsome woman")

4) They are considered "opportunistic" feeders, and hunt mostly live rodents, BUT

5) Red foxes are often a pest to farmers as they enjoy preying on weak or sick livestock.

I feel like this last fact may be responsible for the cunningness present in a VULPINOUS nature. But I'm also curious about the whole vixen thing. The dictionary says "ill-tempered" and "quarrelsome," but I think a vixen could definitely connote cunning and manipulative. It's all coming together.

In other fox news (sorry...): How come foxes never made it onto over-sized sweatshirts the way wolves did in the late 1980's? For more info, check out this most likely facetious wikipedia page for Three Wolf Moon.

hector

\HEK-ter\

verb

1 : to play the bully : swagger

2 : to intimidate or harass by bluster or personal pressure

The most famous HECTOR, to which this verb form vaguely relates, refers to the greatest soldier in the Trojan war, eldest son of King Priam of Troy, killed in a bloody duel by Achilles. In Greek the word HECTOR means "to hold fast." The above verb, however, points to a London gang of the mid-seventeenth century who called themselves "HECTORS," perhaps referencing the gallant Greek warrior, but it was their hooligan behavior that made the word HECTOR synonymous with bullying.

According to babynamewizard.com, the popularity of the name HECTOR peaked in America in 2005 at the rank of 166.

The first two HECTORs that appear in a google search are both fighters: HECTOR Hammond and HECTOR Lombard. The former is a comic supervillain, nemesis to the Green Hornet, bearing an enormous brain due to purposeful self-exposure to meteor radiation. The latter is a Cuban mixed martial arts fighter, an aquarius, middle name "shango."* The third HECTOR I stumble on is HECTOR Lavoe—full name: HECTOR Juan Perez Martinez—a Puerto Rican Salsa singer who succumbed to AIDS in 1993 after a failed suicided attempt jumping from the ninth floor of a Regency Hotel five years prior. The fourth is HECTOR Rodriguez, an internist in the city where I live, and the fifth is HECTOR Elizondo of Pretty Woman and The Princess Diaries fame.

I don't know what any of this means.

R.I.P., HECTOR Juan Perez Martinez.

*Shango is the God of thunder and lightening in the Yoruba religion. You know, in case anyone is wondering.