collude

\kuh-LOOD\

verb

: conspire, plot

the other day my friend jeff and i decided that we were both really manipulative. we were having coffee (perpetual) and he was telling me of his recent COLLUDING of someone who he was casually dating who casually told him that she thought he was taking it too seriously. he was offended at her accusation and followed it with a false admittance of these so-called emotions which in turn caused her to admit that it was she who was actually getting too emotionally involved.

they had only hooked up twice.

the conversation got me thinking about my subtle, daily manipulations. of course, in matters of the heart (brain), COLLUSION is often, OFTEN, unavoidable. not necessarily on the level of consciously plotting against someone, but at least conspiring between yourself and your emotions. but it's not only love. it's everything. sometimes when i think about it, i feel as if i am manipulating the entire day—a negotiation between myself and my self-presentation. as if i pass through a filter and come out as

candace

or whatever candace needs to be to get what i need at any given moment. everything i say and do is a COLLUSION to create my identity. i am a careful construction, a system of actions and reactions.

and if you are reading this, you are part of the conspiracy.