Mrs. Grundy

\MISS-uz-GRUN-dee\

noun

: one marked by prudish conventionality in personal conduct

i was accused a few times in high school of being prude. this term was usually thrown at me jokingly by friends who were judging me for (unlike them...) not fucking anything that could stand on two legs and speak english well enough to proposition me. these girls were interested in big numbers, thinking (hoping?) that translated somehow to experience or ultimately wisdom. i was more interested in sex, specifically of the enjoyable variety, not to be had with the mediocre selection that amity high school offered.

i associate prudishness with people who can't handle john waters or say things like "TMI." what the fuck is that, TMI. i used to work with a girl, years ago, who said that. let's call her caitlin, because i think that was her name. oh, she used all sorts of abbreviations: OMG. WTF. she also worked only one day a week and always wore the same frilly shirt with a stain on the left boob.

caitlin once told me a story that i will never forget. her and her boyfriend (let's call him zack) had been broken up for a couple weeks. i don't remember what happened between them...maybe she saw another girl's number on his cell phone or something (OMG). one saturday she showed up at work, stain-on-boob as usual, hungover and blissful.

"me and zack got back together last night!"

"oh yeah?"

"i came home and he had set up all these candles in my room and bought a bottle of peach schnapps. it was sooo romantic. we made love for four hours!"

i'm not sure how MRS. GRUNDY would have responded, but this may have been the only moment in my adult life when i felt like someone had given me too much information. i could never look at her the same way. gross.