Tuesday, January 5, 2010




: a loyal follower; especially : a subordinate who executes orders unquestioningly or unscrupulously

it is difficult for me to imagine anything that i have followed without question. i was a child who was hardly ever insubordinate but always reluctant, always believing that something wasn't quite right. i did what i was told, but in my head i had one foot out the door. i grew up without religion, without strict rules, without the generational traditions of family. all i was ever told to believe in was myself, and that comes with a myriad of questions and doubts.

this all ended when i was fifteen and discovered the smashing pumpkins. it was the perfect union between a lost and confused adolescent and a beautiful, pure piece of music. i needed something to cling to, something to have faith in, something to be excited about. and there was billy corgan and his pumpkins, a group of overgrown fifteen-year-olds who played great music and said things like, "I torch my soul to show the world that I am pure deep inside my heart." it was good, and i was sold.

i was a MYRMIDON for the pumpkins for a solid three years, being as loyal a follower as one could. i destroyed any skepticism about their greatness with a more absolute defense than i had ever put behind anything. i was a believer, for the first time ever, without question.

like many believers, i thought my loyalty would last forever. and like many, it faded. the band broke apart, the music lacked, my interest waned. i lost faith. like the loss of many great feelings, it was gradual, fading into a distant memory.

maybe i'm not cut out to be a believer. believers settle with answers. i will always just want more questions.

"no more promise, no more sorrow. no longer will i follow. can anybody hear me? i just want to be me. and when i can, i will." -b.c. 1993

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