suborn

\suh-BORN\

verb

1 : to induce secretly to do an unlawful thing

2 : to induce to commit perjury; also : to obtain (perjured testimony) from a witness

in junior high school, i was extremely mischievous. i'm not really sure what the motivation was for this. i don't really feel like i wanted attention—my mother turned her head to most of my mischief and/or volunteered to be an accomplice. i think i was trying to define myself. i was trying to break free from the passive, shy childhood that i lead, and prove (to whom, i'm not sure) that i could be bad. that i was not to be underestimated.

my partner in crime was katy, who i think at an earlier point was my nemesis. katy and i didn't seem to get along in elementary school; she was kind of a know-it-all, and i was annoyed by her incessant self-declarations. but in seventh grade we formed a bond out of a common distaste toward a mutual friend: samantha. in addition to being a know-it-all, samantha was also a better-than-thou and a jewish princess. one night (on a long walk collecting non-perishables for our school's canned food drive, of all things) katy and i mutually decided to ruin samantha's life by letting her long-time crush, lee, know her true feelings.

i will not go into all of the gory details of these endeavors, but i will describe one event that is actually relevant to this blog. one weekend katy and i SUBORNED her younger brother joey with two butterfinger candy bars to call a list of boys from our school and leave messages on their answering machines inviting them to sam and lee's wedding. the following monday was pretty wretched. i'm not sure if i was capable of feeling guilt at that age—i think i really believed she deserved it. it was pretty horrible.

samantha, where ever you are, i am truly sorry. and i'm glad things never worked out between you and lee, because he was kind of a sketchy dude, and i know you probably did a lot better.